1. Get rid of the vowels
A boastful function of Facebook ’ sulfur rebrand will obviously be the announcement of a new umbrella name, much like when Google debuted “ Alphabet ” to show that it had moved away from the business model of helping sad middle-aged men stalk their college girlfriends at 2am. “ Horizon ” has been touted as Facebook ’ s new umbrella name, but in my estimate this is both besides bland and besides army for the liberation of rwanda removed from the ship’s company ’ sulfur origins. rather, let ’ s barely ditch all the vowels and call it FCBK. Yes, it would be using the sort of textspeak that has been extinct for a decade and a half and, yes, at first glance it does look like there ’ s a new company called “ Fuckbook ”. But this is Facebook, remember. What were you expecting – competence ?
2. Get a cool new logo
right now, Facebook is entirely used by very old people who entirely use the site for two things : unwittingly radicalising themselves towards a democrat rightwing hellstate, and posting decade-old cat memes. That would be fine, but these people are dying at a rate of knots, and Facebook needs raw users to replace them. The fastest means to do this would be to update its logo. Facebook has always been very button-down in this regard, never deviating from its bare blue and white aesthetic. But you know what kids like ? That ’ second right, graffito. And rock ‘n’ roll music. And surfboards, and the Biker Mice from Mars. Let ’ s get a post modern logo that looks like it was scrawled on the window of a workshop by a punk rocker. The kids will come flood back. Cowabunga !
3. Self-deleting content
You know what might help improve Facebook ’ s repute ? Deleting everybody ’ second photos after 10 years. Imagine how a lot better the worldly concern would be without constantly being reminded that, on vacation once in 2007, you drank excessively many Jägerbombs and got your bum out in a police station. Imagine not being reminded that you used to wear bad clothes, and have a badly haircut, and spent besides much time being a pose small twerp on-line. Imagine being able to definitively murder every past adaptation of yourself, allowing you to in full inhabit the present. What a fantastic world that would be.
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4. Stop being so awful
I ’ megabyte fair spitballing here, but if you in truth wanted to rebrand, you could try tightening up Facebook Marketplace to dissuade scammers. You could stop selling data to questionable political groups. Stop syphoning money away from publishers who need it to survive. Stop being a tool for misinformation. Stop obliterating the mental health of young users. Stop structuring your occupation model in such a direction that you actively reward outrage, causing irreparable schisms in club. Stop being laser-focused on growth for growth ’ s sake and start trying to be more responsible. Stop it. Stop all of it. Stop being the worst thing in the entire world. Stop. You know, possibly ?
5. Go back to throwing sheep and poking people
Those were dim-witted times, weren ’ t they ? Remember when you could throw sheep at people on Facebook for no substantial reason, and “ poke ” them in a weirdly implicative way ? Those were truly the aureate days of Facebook. And, surely, in 2021 the act of throwing a virtual sheep on Facebook or poking person would probably end up unwittingly causing some sort of Megabrexit, but it couldn ’ thymine be any worse than it is now.